lisa pizza

apparently people are coming back to dreamwidth? so uh, i feel like i should post an update since i abruptly stopped and i don't want that to be at the top of my page.

i've been in my new job since september, my team is amazing and welcomed me with open arms and i'm so so happy.

i'm still in therapy, and both my therapist and my pcp have said that i'm completely different than i was in august, when i was crying daily and couldn't get out of bed for days at a time and just. generally was In A Bad Place.

we lowered the dose on my anti-anxiety meds last month and i'm hoping in a month or two we can try lowering my antidepressants. birth control was too annoying so i stopped taking it, and i think the calcium contributed to my hands getting a little fucked up again so i stopped taking that too.

my hair is tragically brown again but that's cos my mom requested it be brown for christmas. next year i'm going back to pink and i think getting an undercut.

i've gone back to jersey several times and video chat with my parents and olivia every couple of weeks. a couple of calls ago she grabbed the phone from my mom so she could give me a hug and i just about died. i'm super excited to spend christmas with her.

so yeah. i'm doing much better. i'm not stopping therapy anytime soon. i'm making a conscious effort to stay lowkey at work and not take on extra stuff for at least a year. i'm still working on my pmp. if i continue to struggle with focusing on the classes for it, my therapist is sending me for neuropsych testing cos she thinks i have ADD and that meds will help, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

work continues to be work. we're in this cycle of:

-i get no support
-i get too overwhelmed with everything
-i start to miss things or people have a problem with my tone in emails
-i get told i have to tell them when there's too much on my plate, thus putting all of the blame back on me
-things are good for a couple of days
-i tell them there's too much on my plate again
-i get no support
-etc etc etc etc etc

i am just extremely sick of it. i have never wanted a demotion so much in my life, but i'm interviewing for a position that's a pay grade below my current one next week and i'm ready to cast spells, reblog all those dumb good luck posts, pray, whatever to get it.

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i talked to my therapist a lot about m. and college and being scared that everyone will wake up one day and hate me. i try not to say that shit out loud, but i told her that too. the last time i put that fear out into the universe it came to be, and i survived last time, but idk if i would this time.

after that i talked to kl a lot over tacos, about therapy and sara and everything else under the sun. i still don't know what i'm going to do without her. who else can i im and say "hey let's get tacos at 7pm on a tuesday" and not only will she show up, we'll be out for a few hours and it will all feel so EASY.

i feel known when i'm with her, and i don't want to lose that.

i mean, i won't lose that. 1300 miles aren't enough to take that away, no distance is. but i want her here nonetheless.

i can't believe tomorrow is a year since we lost her. i can't believe it's been a year since she laughed, since she smiled, since she made this world a little bit brighter and a little bit louder.

will i ever stop thinking "i was going to see her in TWO WEEKS. two fucking weeks! and instead i never get to see her again"? nothing short of death could have kept her from coming to con.

i took for granted that she would always be there, because i couldn't fathom a world in which she wouldn't be there. i never told her how much i loved her, how i loved how loud she was, how you couldn't ignore her, how she made everything an adventure. how right from the first time i met her i felt like we had been friends forever and would continue to be friends forever. her enthusiasm was always so contagious.

i im her sometimes, to tell her how much this sucks, as though she is unaware. i know wherever she is, she is just as angry and sad and missing us. i hope she watched us on that roof last year, getting drunk and talking about how amazing she was and singing gay pirates at the top of our lungs. i hope she sang along.

so. my therapist thinks i should start journaling again and idk where else to really do that, so here's where my brain is at:

-i hate my fucking job. they have changed the entire scope of my position since i took it a year ago, we've had something like 85% turnover in our leadership team, my commute is awful, one of my new managers is a smarmy asshole, and i am just constantly overwhelmed. i'm currently applying for demotions to other departments to get me out of there.

-my friend sara died last august and i still miss her so fucking much it feels like there's a hole in my heart and i'm leaking some vital fluid. i should have been a better friend to her and not taken for granted that she would always be there, especially when i knew she was sick, but now i just have to feel that loss every day.

-one of best friends is leaving boston and she's like my other half, and i honestly don't know how to function without her, but then i feel awful thinking things like that cos i want her to be happy, and if leaving is what she needs then so be it. but i'm so fucking torn up about it anyway.

-my depression and anxiety hit levels that i haven't seen since i literally had to drop out of college because of them. i finally decided to get help when i realized i had gone 24 hours without once wishing i was dead, which had become unusual for me. i had to apply for fmla because i've been out so much, and now i'm back in therapy and taking a million pills every day and just trying to get back to something resembling normal.

-my bedroom is basically a hoarder's paradise, and has been all year. i can't see the floor anywhere. there is a mountain of garbage and empty boxes in the middle of my room. there is just enough space for me to open my door and get out of my room. none of this is helping my depression, i'm sure, but my depression isn't helping me get motivated to clean it so it's just a vicious cycle of literally living in the garbage pit that was summer's worst nightmare in the forbidden game.

-i'm just so tired. all the time. i can't remember what it's like to not be tired and/or sad.