lisa pizza

apparently people are coming back to dreamwidth? so uh, i feel like i should post an update since i abruptly stopped and i don't want that to be at the top of my page.

i've been in my new job since september, my team is amazing and welcomed me with open arms and i'm so so happy.

i'm still in therapy, and both my therapist and my pcp have said that i'm completely different than i was in august, when i was crying daily and couldn't get out of bed for days at a time and just. generally was In A Bad Place.

we lowered the dose on my anti-anxiety meds last month and i'm hoping in a month or two we can try lowering my antidepressants. birth control was too annoying so i stopped taking it, and i think the calcium contributed to my hands getting a little fucked up again so i stopped taking that too.

my hair is tragically brown again but that's cos my mom requested it be brown for christmas. next year i'm going back to pink and i think getting an undercut.

i've gone back to jersey several times and video chat with my parents and olivia every couple of weeks. a couple of calls ago she grabbed the phone from my mom so she could give me a hug and i just about died. i'm super excited to spend christmas with her.

so yeah. i'm doing much better. i'm not stopping therapy anytime soon. i'm making a conscious effort to stay lowkey at work and not take on extra stuff for at least a year. i'm still working on my pmp. if i continue to struggle with focusing on the classes for it, my therapist is sending me for neuropsych testing cos she thinks i have ADD and that meds will help, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

work continues to be work. we're in this cycle of:

-i get no support
-i get too overwhelmed with everything
-i start to miss things or people have a problem with my tone in emails
-i get told i have to tell them when there's too much on my plate, thus putting all of the blame back on me
-things are good for a couple of days
-i tell them there's too much on my plate again
-i get no support
-etc etc etc etc etc

i am just extremely sick of it. i have never wanted a demotion so much in my life, but i'm interviewing for a position that's a pay grade below my current one next week and i'm ready to cast spells, reblog all those dumb good luck posts, pray, whatever to get it.

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i talked to my therapist a lot about m. and college and being scared that everyone will wake up one day and hate me. i try not to say that shit out loud, but i told her that too. the last time i put that fear out into the universe it came to be, and i survived last time, but idk if i would this time.

after that i talked to kl a lot over tacos, about therapy and sara and everything else under the sun. i still don't know what i'm going to do without her. who else can i im and say "hey let's get tacos at 7pm on a tuesday" and not only will she show up, we'll be out for a few hours and it will all feel so EASY.

i feel known when i'm with her, and i don't want to lose that.

i mean, i won't lose that. 1300 miles aren't enough to take that away, no distance is. but i want her here nonetheless.