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Aug. 12th, 2018 10:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
weesawso. my therapist thinks i should start journaling again and idk where else to really do that, so here's where my brain is at:
-i hate my fucking job. they have changed the entire scope of my position since i took it a year ago, we've had something like 85% turnover in our leadership team, my commute is awful, one of my new managers is a smarmy asshole, and i am just constantly overwhelmed. i'm currently applying for demotions to other departments to get me out of there.
-my friend sara died last august and i still miss her so fucking much it feels like there's a hole in my heart and i'm leaking some vital fluid. i should have been a better friend to her and not taken for granted that she would always be there, especially when i knew she was sick, but now i just have to feel that loss every day.
-one of best friends is leaving boston and she's like my other half, and i honestly don't know how to function without her, but then i feel awful thinking things like that cos i want her to be happy, and if leaving is what she needs then so be it. but i'm so fucking torn up about it anyway.
-my depression and anxiety hit levels that i haven't seen since i literally had to drop out of college because of them. i finally decided to get help when i realized i had gone 24 hours without once wishing i was dead, which had become unusual for me. i had to apply for fmla because i've been out so much, and now i'm back in therapy and taking a million pills every day and just trying to get back to something resembling normal.
-my bedroom is basically a hoarder's paradise, and has been all year. i can't see the floor anywhere. there is a mountain of garbage and empty boxes in the middle of my room. there is just enough space for me to open my door and get out of my room. none of this is helping my depression, i'm sure, but my depression isn't helping me get motivated to clean it so it's just a vicious cycle of literally living in the garbage pit that was summer's worst nightmare in the forbidden game.
-i'm just so tired. all the time. i can't remember what it's like to not be tired and/or sad.
-i hate my fucking job. they have changed the entire scope of my position since i took it a year ago, we've had something like 85% turnover in our leadership team, my commute is awful, one of my new managers is a smarmy asshole, and i am just constantly overwhelmed. i'm currently applying for demotions to other departments to get me out of there.
-my friend sara died last august and i still miss her so fucking much it feels like there's a hole in my heart and i'm leaking some vital fluid. i should have been a better friend to her and not taken for granted that she would always be there, especially when i knew she was sick, but now i just have to feel that loss every day.
-one of best friends is leaving boston and she's like my other half, and i honestly don't know how to function without her, but then i feel awful thinking things like that cos i want her to be happy, and if leaving is what she needs then so be it. but i'm so fucking torn up about it anyway.
-my depression and anxiety hit levels that i haven't seen since i literally had to drop out of college because of them. i finally decided to get help when i realized i had gone 24 hours without once wishing i was dead, which had become unusual for me. i had to apply for fmla because i've been out so much, and now i'm back in therapy and taking a million pills every day and just trying to get back to something resembling normal.
-my bedroom is basically a hoarder's paradise, and has been all year. i can't see the floor anywhere. there is a mountain of garbage and empty boxes in the middle of my room. there is just enough space for me to open my door and get out of my room. none of this is helping my depression, i'm sure, but my depression isn't helping me get motivated to clean it so it's just a vicious cycle of literally living in the garbage pit that was summer's worst nightmare in the forbidden game.
-i'm just so tired. all the time. i can't remember what it's like to not be tired and/or sad.
