(no subject)

considering how much i cried yesterday, i'm either okay or numb today. not sure which. still didn't go to work, stayed in bed for nearly 48 hours straight and spent a lot of that time asleep.

therapy's in an hour, then final tacos with kl, so i'm guessing the numbness will wear off soon.

my therapist had me watch a ted talk on vulnerability, and the person also did one on shame, so i watched that too. one of the things she said really stuck with me, about feeling unlovable.

logically i know people love me, and that there is nothing fundamentally unlovable about me. but i'm still always waiting for that other shoe to drop, for people to realize they don't love me, or at least not enough to put up with me. i want to blame this all on m., but even before she shattered my heart into a million pieces i was very cautious about being vulnerable with people.

i think the difference is that in college, with that friendsgroup, i took that leap and it was great, until it wasn't. and then m. said i wasn't worth the effort, and i completely internalized that and have spent the last however many years trying not to impose myself on people in an effort to keep them in my life a little bit longer, before they realize that i'm annoying or needy or not funny or selfish or whatever else has driven people away from me.

i don't think my current group of friends would abandon me like that, but i also didn't think that in college, and look where that left me.

that was honestly one of my favorite things about sara. she was always SO MUCH that from day 1 i didn't worry that i would ever be too much for her.

i miss her.